I feel like my strongest quality in life is sensitivity. Being sensitive has been seen as a weakness for most of my life and I tried to suppress it. That decision made me very sick, so I had no choice but to lean into my sensitivities and navigate some outcomes. The outcome in my opinion is a very strong connection to nature, art, and a sense of self. The work I make often visualizes my struggles in a colorful way. This process results in something that brings me and others joy, even if it was produced from my inner pain. I like to describe it as “my beautiful inner vomit”.
I love talking to people, sharing my stories, and hearing theirs. I think these qualities can be noticed in my paintings because of my use of bold and bright colors. On the other hand, I get very drained after different interactions with the outside so the other side of me is very introverted and quiet. Reading philosophy, painting on weekends in my kitchen and slow living shapes the outline of my life. That’s why my paintings often contain bold outlines or black or white. This may be me trying to be balanced.
After reading an interview with Susan Bostrom-Wong, who is both a painter and a Jungian analyst, I found a lot of similarities. Her description of the painting and the feelings she experiences, complex mental analysis while painting is the same: ”Absolutely, I am thinking of reverie. Some people call it the zone. I call it a reverie. It’s a lost time, a meditative time when everything else disappears. It’s the other world time and place. When you are in that space it activates unconscious things. It has felt like a second analysis for me because so much material comes up. There is a kind of freedom in it.” Michael Bala M.A. (2010)
I connected to Susan Bostrom-Wong as I feel the same in my creative process. While doing something I’m passionate about I get lost in it. This can mean me painting for hours, suppressing the feeling of hunger, and wanting to use the bathroom. The passion for the project pushes me into a different dimension of myself and I get disconnected from reality. I have a hard time snapping out of it which can be a problem on its own. This “reverie” as Susan calls it is something that hooked me to art and I got addicted to creativity.
In wider context that I often forget to be grateful for is me being allowed and encouraged to express myself. I must mention and remind you that that is not always the case. This could depend on few reasons, gender, race, education…
This reminds me of how feminism is also very important to me. Often my drawings include feminine figures, shapes, and characters. While my work can often include feminine shapes it is not something I put a lot of thought in. Being a female myself, I find it easier to create something I often see. This means seeing myself in the mirror while doing my hair, makeup, and examining my face. Sensitivity is often related to being feminine. Sayings like “crying like a girl” or “being a pussy” can give us a clue how that is embedded in our speech. This hypersensitivity clashes with my other qualities. This clash pushes me to try and paint more genderless figures.
Balancing feminine and masculine energy can be difficult. Masculine energy is deeply rooted in my character and fashion sense. I found an English artist by the name Sarah Lucas. By looking at her self-portraits I instantly found a connection. Her masculine/gender-neutral fashion sense looked like something straight out of my closet. Similarities I found include gender-neutral shoes, denim jeans, T-shirt, short hair (mine is tied up), and references to smoking. The clothes in her works: “Divine” 1991, “Self portrait with Fried Eggs” 1996 spoke the most to me. Tate modern in a description of the artist mentions: “She makes constant reference to the human body, questioning gender definitions and challenging macho culture.”
Image 2 “Divine” 1991
Image 3 “Self portrait with Fried Eggs” 1996
Image 4 “Smoking” 1998.
Photos of me:
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